Recollecting Min Ser's last day

It's been a week since Min Ser passed away. The memories are still fresh, and I have only just started processing and journaling the events that has transpired. I have personally written 27 pages in my journal on the events preceding and proceeding his demise.

I realise it must be a mystery to many as to what happened to Min Ser 7 days ago. Min Ser's death certificate states that his cause of death was 'severe sepsis with fungal pneumonia with refractory acute myeloid leukemia'. Here is my account of that day.

I picked up mum and dad at 11.30am to head to the hospital in time for visiting hours. Once we arrived, mum and I went straight into the ICU. Straightaway we were informed that Min Ser's condition was unstable. His blood sugar level was high, liver and kidneys failing, blood pressure was low and his heart rate was racing. He is on four medications to raise his blood pressure, but to no avail. At that rate he will last another few hours or at most days.

My heart dropped, I was so hopeful he would be better. I even made a book (a guest book of sorts) for visitors to write encouraging messages so that he will be able to read it when he wakes up and he would have known who visited.

I quickly called Sue Min to come, and informed my parents as well.

I went back into the ICU, held his right hand and just sat with him. He was sedated but breathing heavily. Slowly different ones, friends and family came in to see Min Ser. I was just so numb with the thought that I may lose him that day. Mum and Sue Min seemed to be holding up pretty well but dad was inconsolable and broken.

At 2.30 pm a small group of us sat in a circle at the ICU waiting room, we prayed and continued to claim healing for Min Ser. We were not willing to give up just yet.

At 3.30 pm, my mummy came to support and to be with me.

At 4.15 pm, Dr Chang confirmed that his condition is absolutely critical and there was really nothing more the doctors can do for him. He was already on 5 medications to keep his blood pressure up and it was still dropping. Usually 2 or 3 would suffice for other patients. I asked what happens when his blood pressure drops to low? Eventually when his blood pressure drops, his organs will fail and his heart will stop.

Hesitantly I walked to his room in the ICU. We were allowed to be with him in a group at this critical moment. His blood pressure was hovering between 90/50 and 80/45. The immediate family and some cousins and aunties gathered around him. It seemed he still can hear us, so many talked to him, said their goodbyes and told him it was ok to go. I just held on to his hand so tightly and squeaked an "I love you."

After an hour of waiting, I said I really had to go to the bathroom. I quickly rushed out and back. When I came back, mum said "Min Ser frowned / or was frowning" when I left. He always wanted me to be close to him, beside him. I held his hand again, while constantly monitoring his blood pressure and heart rate.

At 6pm when dad was talking to him, assuring him that he will take care of his family, I noticed his blood pressure and heart rate slowly but steadily dropping. I looked at mum and said, "It's time."

That's when I really started talking to him. I said, "Dearie, I love you, it's time. Steady, good job, walk with Jesus. You're almost there. Steady, good job. I love you." I kept repeating myself saying those words. Sue Min rushed into the room and joined us to encourage him.

His blood pressure dropped slowly as well as his heart rate. We encouraged him on "steady, good job..." like a champion reaching the finish line. And he did so well, leaving us peacefully, slowly, steadily.

At 18:18 his heart stopped and at 18:25 he was pronounced dead.

His body is gone, but Min Ser immediately lives on with Jesus in Paradise. No more pain, no more suffering. He is blessed.

We were broken. Tearing, crying, missing him.

I kissed his hand and whispered "Good bye dearie, for now. Till I see you again."